The 3 circles - setting boundaries
The three circles is a simple tool we use to define our sobriety for ourselves - to define what a healthy sexuality for ourselves can mean.
We think through all our behaviors and organize them according to whether they are addictive (inner circle), healthy (outer circle) or somewhere in between (middle circle). It's not always easy to tell if something should be in the inner circle or not. Typically, inner circle behaviors are those that:
- You can't stop when you want to
- You keep secret
- Would have negative consequences in your life if revealed
- You use to numb yourself from difficult feelings
- Lack any real intimacy or respect
Why don't you try it for yourself? List specific behaviors and categories them as follows:
Inner circle - Compulsive sexual behaviors from which we choose to abstain completely.
Middle circle - Behaviors which are much less destructive and weaker in intensity. They cause us much less of a problem but tend to lead us back to the inner circle. You can also put behaviors about which you are unsure in this category.
Outer circle - Things we do which enhance our lives and our recovery, that keep us engaged with others and with reality rather than isolated and in a fantasy world.
Remember, your circles will change as you learn more about your behaviors during your recovery.
An example
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Inner circle Anonymous sex Pornography (internet, magazines, dvds, videos) Written erotica Infidelity (including kissing & touching)
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Middle circle Using the internet Drinking alcohol Masturbation by self
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Outer circle Sexual intimacy with partner Meeting friends Attending SAA meetings Spending time with partner Playing football |